Burning Pile

All my troubles on a burning pile, all lit up and I start to smile....

For some reason or another Burning Pile by Mother Mother has been in my head all day long. As I lay her in bed I think to myself: what would I put on my burning pile?
1. My hurt feelings from the break up with rob. If I could just let go of the remembrance of that pain it would be a lot easier to move forward with the relationship. I would love to be able to throw my whole self into it but unfortunately I can feel something -or myself rather- holding me back.
2. Pet Peeves. why do I need them, why do I hold onto them? I would throw away all the things that bother me so that I could just let it go.
3. Uncertainty. that voice in my head that always has to feel unsure of every situation. Yes it is true that Uncertainty has gotten a lot quieter in recent months but I would love it gone for good.

So I guess my burning pile wouldn't exactly be a raging bonfire but perhaps a substantial campfire. The kind the cook up the best hot dogs and roast the best s'mores. I think that may be a good thing though, bonfires have a tendency to rage out of control and consume more than you wanted them to. Campfires on the other hand burn up what you want (wood, paper, the cereal box you tossed in there after breakfast) and leave you feeling warm and satiated, versus way too hot and kind of nervous.
I think when we have too many combustables in our life, things we want to set on fire, well then it starts looking like we want to just burn up life. Sure you could write a list as long as Andre the giant's arm of things you would like to burn but after the list is written the problems won't be gone and you're not going to feel any better. Those angers and frustrations will only breed new ones and those will breed even more. The cycle will continue until you are a sore and bitter person weighed down by a list of things you wish you could burn but can't.
Granted "Burning Pile" is an excellent song, filled with catchy phrases accented by an upbeat catchy beat but I think the idea of throwing your troubles onto a burning pile may be overrated. To throw our troubles on a burning pile would not help us deal with them, and after those had turned to ash new troubles would arise. In the end I think life is too short to dwell on the things we wish we could burn instead maybe we should be making list of things we burn for.

1. My family: Brody, Tawney, Mom and Dad
2. My friends: Alison, Jimmy, Katherine, Tara, and Erica
3. My wonderful boyfriend: Robert
4. Last but certainly not least I burn for me

Happy

Today I held an eyelash to my lips, waited for a wish to come. No wish came, I finally realized I have all I could ever want.

Inspiration

Inspiration is a funny thing. You can sit around forever and wait for it to come and smack you in the head, bite you in the ass but you never know if it will actually show up. Sometimes the best inspiration is just to do it. Just jump head first into writing, singing, or creating and inspiration may just begin to peak its head out from those dark caverns of your mind that have yet to be discovered.
Inspiration, it seems, is a lot like many other aspects of life. Love for example. You can wait around all day and night for it to sneak up and present prince charming to you or you can simply go out and say "hit me with your best shot." Look for love everywhere, with everyone you can. Perhaps this way love to will begin to reveal itself. Perhaps it won't be the way you always expected, perhaps it will take a different form. Maybe the form love will take is learning to love yourself.
Once one form of love has revealed itself to you, others will follow. Self love will turn to loving family and that to friends and those to lovers. It's like the lily flower i planted a couple years back. It started out small, one way a couple buds and one stalk. Now every year a new stalk or branch seems to grow and with that comes more flowers. Love will form different branches and those branches will each hold their own specific beauties and strengths. the trick is just letting go and diving into that world of love. Open up to love and find your inspiration

Pet Peeve

One of my personal pet peeves is putting oneself down. I won't lie I find myself doing this at times as well and it can get to the point where I really start believing these things i say to myself. heres the thing ladies, the world is going to put you down enough as it so there is no need to join in. My new philosophy shall be that everytime I look in the mirror I will say something positive about myself. Say it enough and you will truly believe it and it'll show. Confidence is huge in this world and i think little self ego boosters can make a huge difference.

Thinking Out Loud

Awesome, amazing circle of friends sans drama: check
Wicked family who love and support you: check
New relationship with myself and realizing how awesome I am: check
Boyfriend currently in the process of re-sweeping you off your feet: check
Pooped my pants this year: Not so much
Usually I find myself identifying with Carrie Bradshaw of "Sex and the City" but in the past few days I feel myself feeling very Charlotte in one particulat regard. In the first movie Charlotte says that she has gotten everything she has ever wanted and now she's waiting for it all to fall apart. Luckily for her however Carrie reasures her that shitting in your pants is enough. Unfortunatly for me I haven't pooped my pants recently not since an unfortunate event when I was about 11 but that's another story.
When I was with Rob before I didn't have this same feeling because I always thought I didn't have friends, or a solid friend base I should say. Now I feel like I have more friends than i could have ever wished for. I have the three best friends a girl could ask for, I have Jimmy mac and Eric, roosters buddies as well as an assortment of equally amazing friends that I cannot live without.
Drama between me and my family is currently non existent. I love them dearly and have found myself feeling a lot closer to them than I ever have before.
Thirdly, I built a stronger relationship with myself that I didn't have before. I have gotten through one of the hardest things I've dealt with in my life and have come out a stronger person. I have also gotten to know that person a lot better. This is a person who loves deeply, (friends, family and other) likes trying new things and meeting new people, a person who just loves living life. I didn't know this girl before.
Last but not least I know have what I wanted so badly for the last 4 months. I have my smoochie back. Not only are we back together but he seems better and hopefully that means we can be better as a couple.
So what's the problem right? The problem, my friends is this: how does one person deserve all this happiness? .....
What am I doing? I have gone on and on in past diary entries and blog posting about my desire to be happy and here it is and I'm saying, I dont deserve this, why is this happening. What I should be realizing is that I wanted happiness so i seized it. I petitioned the Universe for it and it was granted. I prayed to God and he answered. What I should be saying is thank you self, thank you Universe and thank you God for this wonderful gift of happiness and please help me hold onto it. I will not sit here and eclipse my happiness with doubt. Let me sing from the rooftops: I AM HAPPY.

Helpless

World just stops, everything seems so stupid. I just found out that one of the nicest ladies I have ever met is... dying. Ellen from IGA recently went to the hospital only to find out she has some sort of brain cancer as well as lung cancer. This woman is the sweetest thing ever. Ever time I would come onto shift she would be eager to hear about my life and everything that I was doing: Grad, friends, boys you name it she wanted to hear about it. She was so kind and just an amazing person. I haven't seen her since i left, regardless I have often thought on her and smiled. I only wish there were something I could do to make her last few days or months happier, or even just let her know that she made an impact in my life. I plan on trying to find out what hospital she's at and if possible go see her or send her flowers. I don't even know if she'd remember me but I want her to know I remember her.

Hypocrisy

So here it, I wrote recently that I had developed a love for a certain song by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros by the name of 'Home.' The lyrics go something like this. "Home, let me go home, home is wherever with you. Home, let me go home, home is when I'm alone with you." This is how i feel when I look at Rob, I can't help it despite my best efforts. He is home, my heart, maybe even my soul -if there is such a thing- recognizes him as the place where I can rest. It's not as dramatic as fireworks that fill the room with their blinding luminescence, it's much subtler than that. What I can compare it to is cookie dough. I am dough, a ball of unshaped, delicious dough. I start out relatively solid but put me in the oven and i just melt. Like those Pillsbury commercials, when the cookie dough laying so innocently on the pan just magically melts into ooey gooey goodness. That's what "Home" feels like. cookie dough melting into ooey gooey goodness.
So what's the problem right? I've spent so much time, and effort building this new life for myself. I made new cookie dough. I got myself some new friends whom I love more than anything, I've connected with my family on a deeper level and I've gotten to know myself so much better. My only worry is that if I let myself melt, then I will lose all resemblence to the cookie dough I have become. What if my future cookie self doesn't turn out quite right, what if I let myself melt and end up getting burnt again?
I trust in God and his plan for "cookie me," I just can't help but have questions. After all I am only human. What I'm going to try to focus on is the fact that whatever is supposed to happen, will happen, and in the end everything will be okay. In the mean time (while I'm very morbidly waiting for the end :P) I intend to focus on myself still, continue on my journey to discovering my true self and also discovering what makes me happy and who makes me happy. That means keeping my friends close. I think Katherine and Katlin may have something right there. They very much have their own lives apart from each other, even though they live together. That is what I want. I want my own life, my own friends, and my own experiences.
Thank you god for answering my petition, and thank you to all who signed it dead and alive .<3

Cosmo's?

So tonight's is Miss Katherine Keiner's birthday dinner. The plan is to start at the WAG and then move on somewhere, yet to be determined. I personally am hoping for clubbing to end off our evening. Sometimes the mood just strikes (actually the mood seems to strike me a lot these days.) Anyway whatever we do I know we will have a gay ol' time after all you put a bunch of good female friends together, in hott outfits, drinks, food... come on good times are sure to follow. I feel myself feelin very cosmopolitan today. That is to say I feel like i need on in my hand :)

My Petition

I am currently reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. In the book the author states that during a time of great uncertainty, anxiety and turmoil in her life she wrote a petition. A petition to God asking him to bring some certainty into her life and let the war between her (soon-to be ex) husband and herself end. This passage got me thinking about the uncertainty and anxiety i feel in my life. I would love for the games and confusion that have and do take place between Rob and myself to end - perhaps I should right a petition of my own. It goes something like this:

Dear God:
While I am aware that you are a busy individual, with far more important things to worry about than a 20 year old girl going through a break-up I believe it wold be in the best interest of universe to end the on going confusion of this situation.
If I am supposed to be with this man please send me some notification of this, preferably in the form of words coming out of his mouth. Mixed messages and vague questions are not cutting it anymore. I need solid evidence that I should either give it another try or move on with my life.
If I am not supposed to be with him please give me the clarity of self to realize this and the strength to stand alone. Which ever way my path leads please have it end in happiness.
This lack of clarity is impuning on my happiness and as a member of the Universe, i believe that my happiness is important to the stability and well being of the Universe as a whole. If you would be able to find the time to grant my request, there would be one less unhappy person in the Universe and therefore one less person for you to worry about.

Thank You for your consideration
Brittney Hougaard

Signature:
Alison Rust
My Parents
My aunts and uncles
my cousins
Grandpa
Mom's mom
James Dean
Audrey Hepburn
Katherine Keiner
Tara Keigher
Jenna Finlay
Jessika Curtis
Mrs. PAyton
Kermode
Mrs. Lazarowich
Josie Ohl
Josie's parents
all the Bytelaars
Chad Cornford
Adam Salter
Jodi Grant
Dahli Lama
Ghandi
Winston Churchill
Angie Chilcott
Tamara Heggs
Tanya Taylor-Best
Hugh Jackman
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Sarah Jessica Parker
Mathew Brodrick
The cast of True Blood
Lucy
etc....

If anyone actually reads this besides myself feel free please to sign my petition for happiness.
:)

Jar of Hearts

i know i can't take one more step towards you
cause all thats waiting is regret
don't you know i'm not your ghost anymore
you lost the love i loved the most

i learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time

who do you think you are?
runnin' 'round leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you're gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don't come back for me
who do you think you are?

i hear you're asking all around
if i am anywhere to be found
but i have grown too strong
to ever fall back in your arms

ive learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time

who do you think you are?
runnin' 'round leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you're gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don't come back for me
who do you think you are?

it took so long just to feel alright
remember how to put back the light in my eyes
i wish i had missed the first time that we kissed
cause you broke all your promises
and now you're back
you don't get to get me back

who do you think you are?
running around leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you're gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
so don't come back for me
dont come back at all

x2

who do you think you are?
who do you think you are?
who do you think you are?

written by christina perri, barrett yeretsian, drew lawrence

Sometimes a song will come along just when you need it, just when you are going through the exact same thing. The subject matter shakes you to your very soul.

Rob's been texting me he wants to hang out, go to the beach or something. Just when i think I'm in the clear, have learned to "put the light back in my eyes" he comes back into my life. I refuse to become a ghost of myself again. I just want happiness. But I dont know if I've become strong enough to say no.

Uncertainty

After 4 months of feeling rejected and hurt, after finding myself again and learning what happiness really feels like; i find myself wondering is 4 months really enough time? The fear-the question really- stems from an uncertainty of myself. What if after these incredible months of self realization, i enter into a relationship with someone new? Granted he's fun and new and exciting but I have a history of losing myself in another person. I put them ahead of myself, put their happiness above my own and never realize till its over how unhappy i am.
With Rob I told myself I was happy, I said it was worth it. But was it? I was always frustrated, wanting to go out and see people, do things. Meanwhile he wanted to stay in. I recognize that I did a lot of bad in that relationship too but I wonder why I did them. I always felt like he didn't understand, he didn't know what went on beneath my chest, when i couldn't get a hold of him. He didn't understand that to make love keep you need to work on the "sparkle."
When put like that I know now that I wasn't happy, and I don't want to ever be unhappy like that again. That fear is what holds me back I think. That fear is what keeps me adamantly declaring my singledom. The reason: while single I am incharge of my happiness, no one else gets a say in it. If I'm unhappy I can remove myself, which in a relationship you can't really do that or I'm not supposed to. I feel like relationships put so much pressure on people to make the other person happy, and by doing so you become unhappy. Why can't it just be make yourself happy and then it'll just be a bonus that you have someone to share that happiness with.

Good Tunes

So right now i have found myself diving head first into a new and glorious love. It's a little strange and at times can be sort of awkward but at the same time i love it so much. What is this new love you ask? well its not exactly new just reborn really, right now i am totally in love with finding new musically gems to charm my ears with. right now, high on my play list is the musical styling of : The Unicorns, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, and She & Him. Omg they are the most glorious things ever. She & Him are perfect for mellowing out your brain while not bumming you out. Zoey Dechanel's voice is like butter. The sound is very old school in my opinion, reminds me of a much trendier 50's kind of sound, so excellent. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros are a little strange but also quite upbeat at times and The Unicorns well they're just weird. They're very much like MGMT meets well a lot of different bands that seem to be emerging these days. The funny thing is they are actually an older band, wise beyond their years. I guess when they originally hit the scene their sound wasn't very popular but had they come out now im sure they would've been a hit.

To Download:
Jellybones - The Unicorns
Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
Lingering Still - She & Him <3