Uncertainty

After 4 months of feeling rejected and hurt, after finding myself again and learning what happiness really feels like; i find myself wondering is 4 months really enough time? The fear-the question really- stems from an uncertainty of myself. What if after these incredible months of self realization, i enter into a relationship with someone new? Granted he's fun and new and exciting but I have a history of losing myself in another person. I put them ahead of myself, put their happiness above my own and never realize till its over how unhappy i am.
With Rob I told myself I was happy, I said it was worth it. But was it? I was always frustrated, wanting to go out and see people, do things. Meanwhile he wanted to stay in. I recognize that I did a lot of bad in that relationship too but I wonder why I did them. I always felt like he didn't understand, he didn't know what went on beneath my chest, when i couldn't get a hold of him. He didn't understand that to make love keep you need to work on the "sparkle."
When put like that I know now that I wasn't happy, and I don't want to ever be unhappy like that again. That fear is what holds me back I think. That fear is what keeps me adamantly declaring my singledom. The reason: while single I am incharge of my happiness, no one else gets a say in it. If I'm unhappy I can remove myself, which in a relationship you can't really do that or I'm not supposed to. I feel like relationships put so much pressure on people to make the other person happy, and by doing so you become unhappy. Why can't it just be make yourself happy and then it'll just be a bonus that you have someone to share that happiness with.