Firey Snow

Last night a girl sat staring out on the untouched, white earth outside her window, and she marveled at its beauty. How can bad happen when the world is so quiet, when the land is so white? Despite this beauty bad does happen, the white snow is blanketed with ash, turned to slush under the feet of a frantic family as they watch their past literally burn up leaving nothing but smoke. The darkness is consumed, the smoke fills their lungs and it is wonder how anyone could not be overcome by it. A families memories: gone. Their grocery list:gone. In one night their past and present disappears engulfed by flame. Yet regardless, somewhere, not far there is a girl sitting in her home, with her past and present safely embracing her as she stares out the window marveling at the pure white snow. They are miles different, the girl and the family. It would seem like nothing but roads connect them but there is something else. The future.
Despite hardships and success, happiness and sorrow, there is always the future, and there is no telling what it may bring.

Bed Mates

Unhappiness, apparently has become my new bed mate. I wake up each morning to stare it in the face, shove it aside and get up. put on my clothes walk out the door and head to school. When I get to class it's waiting for me, it looks up expectantly, I don't sit by it. It follows me throughout the day even when i think I've lost it, i turn the corner and there it is waiting. It's always waiting. I go home and it's on the couch sitting right next my parents as the gaze at the tv or laptop screen. Somehow it always beats me home and there it is. I go to bed and by this time I'm too tired to shoo it away so i let it get in, under the covers and I feel it's cold embrace as I try warm myself with the thin blanket.

It cannot be said that happiness is something you get to keep once achieved, it is ever fleeting, always leaving but in it's place is always unhappiness ready and willing to take its place. Then there are days when you wake up and realize that somewhere in the night unhappiness crawled out of bed (or perhaps happiness pulled him out) and you wake up alone. You open the door and there is happiness waiting for you to start the day. That's the thing with happiness it's always ready for you and does not just impose itself on your life. She doesn't just crawl into bed with you she fixes her own hair and preoccupies herself and waits for you to be ready to embrace her.

23 Months

Flowers, Breaky at Dublin's and shopping = perfect day as long as it's with my baby.


Thank you to the Universe, thank you to God and Thank you to Rob for a total of 23 months (we're omitting that 4 month intermission) of happiness.

Problems with friends will always arise. Difficulties with the family will come and go. Even when the world seems to snowball on me and it's just one shit storm after another, I can at least take comfort in the knowledge that you are mine. We thought we could make it without one another but that is one thing I will always be happy to say I failed at. :)

Hector And The Search For Happiness

It is a mistake to think of happiness as a goal

Accessories

While looking through my facebook news feed today i was struck by pictures of guys with girls or girls with guys and i found myself viewing these people as people and their accessories. I have countless pictures of myself or friends taking pictures with random guys or other people at the club. People that have no relation to us, people we never speak to again. It seems like almost a contest who can get a picture with the hottest guy or girl, who can get the most pictures with random people. Have people, human beings become the hottest accessory?
Hand bags become passe and jewelry becomes merely the background to the fore-front object, some cute so and so on your arm. If people become accessories then what does that mean for human connection?

Deny, Deny, Deny

Denial: to reject something you know to be true. Why do we do it, if we know that it is true or at least some part of us knows it's true then why bother denying it? Someone has been my friend for a long time but recently I am faced with the knowledge of something that both myself and this person have been denying. I chose not to believe the evidence saying it was pure speculation that brought myself and others to this certain conclusion but I don't think I can deny it any longer. My only question is how long can they keep it up? To deny oneself of who they are must be tiring.

Weddings

This past weekend one California girl: Meg Paton married her new Husband Rory at a beautiful ceremony in Kits. Alison, Tara and I all found ourselves attending the wedding/reception. These two seem so in love and yet not much older than myself. It got me wondering if I was ready? This was followed by the answer to said question which was a resounding no. Which lead to the second question How young is too young and is it love or perhaps naivety that leads people to marry so young.
Meg and Rory should be the couple afraid to jump into marriage at such a young age, both their parents have suffered divorces. Marriages that ended in infidelity. Despite these less than stellar models of "marital bliss" Meg and Rory decided that it was worth the risk. Granted I don't think I've ever seen a couple so in love in my life but it just doesn't make sense in my mind.
As I watched the glowing newly weds dance their first dance on the hard wood floor of the Scottish Cultural center I couldn't help but be struck by a certain sense of innocence that seemed to occupy the space around them. Nothing in thew orld could be wrong in that moment, for that day after all they now had each other forever. I think I envy that air of innocence. I await my day like that eagerly, waiting for the day I can gaze confidently in the eyes of the man I love and have every bone in my body tell me that nothing could ever go wrong as long as he was by my side.
I love Robert, there is no doubt in my mind but I also have no doubt that I am not ready to pledge my whole life to him. It's funny, four months ago I wanted to it so bad and it couldn't come soon enough, now I don't know. I want to get married I just know that it isn't in the near future for me.

The Right Fit

So here it is, Rob is back and yesterday was an awesome day. He came over around 3:30, we then went to the beach for an early dinner because we were both pretty hungry, went for a little stroll took a look in some shops and then headed to his house to plan our next steps. After that it was off to Castle Fun Park. needless to say it was fill with fun good times.
So here it is, I've been thinking the last couple days about how good a fit are Rob and I actually and here is what I have come up with.
1: We never seem to tire of each others company. We can spend hours and days together and still eagerly await the next time we can see the other.
2: We always have lots to talk about. Even when we have seen each other everyday we still can find things to talk about.
3: He makes me laugh. I make him laugh.
4:We were seperated and obviously we missed each other enough to get back together.
Now there were the positives, and nothing is one sided so the negatives are as follows.
1: we spend a lot of time together. This may seem like a good thing but if you think about it that got us into a lot of trouble the first time around. You need balance (which i hope i have achieved more recently)
2:In the past we took each other for granted. That doesnt seem to be an issue this time around but then again the memory of being without the other is still fresh in our memories.

Over all I find much more positive than negatives and the bottom line is I love him.
Verdict: excellent fit

blek

The age old question, once revision or in this case cleanliness has occurred: Doesn't that feel better?
No, no it doesn't and if it did I feel there might be something wrong there. I am still the same unclean person, the same girl who is extremely untidy except now my personal space does not resemble MY personal space. I'm still me only cleaner I guess. It sounds terrible and melodramatic but sometimes it seems like there are a lot of people in this world who don't like to see happiness. As I'm sure you've noticed by now, happiness is kind of a lasting motif in my life. I spent a long time revolving my searches around it. Now that I feel I have it (for the time being) it feels like everywhere I turn someone is trying to hinder that.

Write Off

So here's the thing, I fully expect today to be the day from hell. I haven't been up for and hour and I'm already in tears. In the book I'm reading the Guru says that you should never break down like this because then it will become a habit. In situations like this I think I agree with her. I don't want to cry and I know nothing bad has happened to be what I got I deserve. I just feel like shit now. And I really miss my Smoochie. I just want to talk to him. We haven't even back together for a month and I miss him like crazy after 2 days. :(
Anyway trying to get back to a more zen state I decided to write off my feelings, in the hopes that some clarity would come as the words flowed through my fingertips and into the interwebz. But as I said I fully expect today to be a write off and tomorrow will be awesome. I will go to the baseball game with Alison and then my Smoochie will then come home to me :) then all I have to do is cuddle.
I should probably go do something productive now.

Mashed

So Saturday night was AMAZING. The four of us girls took Meg out for a Bachelorette party. so much fun, we were harassed by dirty Irish boys all night as well as a string of other admirers. Honestly it was like one would leave the table and another would take his place. So much fun.
Can't wait for the wedding in two weeks, which we're going to of course stoked!

AS for the rest of my weekend it was good, today was good. Hung out with Al and watched the premier of Bachelor Pad and Dating in the Dark. So overall excellent night. One down side was I didnt get a chance to talk to Rob at all. He's on the island right now and in typical lame-o Brittney fashion I miss him like crazy already. Stupid girl.

Daily Reader

So, had an excellent day on the boat with Dad, Brody, Tawney, Paige and Rob. I didn't do any tubing or anything but i did soak up some serious rays. Thats all I really felt like doing. Im kind of lamed out by the fact that I only have 1 day off this week but whatevs. I mean I would so love to go hiking or something somewhere tomorrow. Instead I am working 1-7. Anyway, after my lovely boat excursion some of my lovely lady friends came over to watch True Blood. SUCH A GOOD EP! after that we watched the invention of lying which was alright had some funny bits to it.
I love Katherine, she's so out there when it comes to her opinions and experiences about sex, family and life in general. Tonight when her and Al first stopped by Rob was still here so she got to really talk to him for the first time. I was quite please it seems like she actually likes him which is so important to me. I really dont want to be one of those girls who's friends all dislike her boyfriend.
Anyway seeing as I feel I have a lack of anything really interesting to say tonight I think I shall be heading off to bed now. Goodnight all!

Bursting

Some days just turn out. You wake up thinking "god I don't want to get out of bed this morning" you go to work thinking " I don't want to be here" you have lunch thinking "this Wendys sucks i want to go home" and then magic happens. A beautiful man stops by to bring you coffee and instantly you're thinking "Im a lucky lady." Today was a spectacular day for not much reason at all. Rob and I went out to dinner to White Rock for fish and chips, we then stopped by his work to say hi to some friends and then we went to a movie. We saw "Charlie St. Cloud" which i know you're thinking i chose that one but no word of a lie it was all him. The boy has a serious man crush on Zac Efron. It was a day that leaves you speechless (well obviously that's not true) it was a day that leaves you feeling so full of love you feel you might burst. I lay here in bed feeling extremely content.
Thank you to the universe, thank you to god, i will try to hold onto this feeling so I can get myself out of the way for you and everybody else.

Tomorrow also promises to be a good day: my dad is taking us out on the boat, which is always fun. I am then going to hang out with Alison and Katherine, not quite sure what we're doing but I know we'll have fun because we always do. Even if we're just hackin' around.

Sisterly Love

One thing that I had mentioned in previous blogs was that I had grown closer with my family. So in that spirit, I took Tawney out shopping today, followed by lunch at BP. I must say that I really enjoyed my time withe her. One thing is for sure I do worry about her a lot. She's entering into this world that I just made it out of. I know what is down that way and I just hope that she gets as lucky as I did and makes it out without any damage or you know pregnancy. I am of course talking about high school and the teenage years. The one thing that makes me worry about her even more is the fact that she seems concerned with coming across as an "LG." I'm worried that some boy will use this against her, in order to have his way with her. Ick what a disgusting thought.
When I was her age I had much more of an attitude on me too, I was always warry of guys intentions. I can't say that I would want her to share that characteristic but I do think she is too trusting. She needs to learn how guys should treat a lady and that she deserves to be treated that way. Any guy that doesn't is not worth her time. The thing is I've told her this and I don't know if she actually hears me. Maybe it's too late. When I was growing up I had that drilled into my head all the time by my parents I don't think Tawney has had that same experience.
All I can do I guess is keep an eye on her and be here if she decides she needs me. And of course pray.
Dear God:
Please watch over Tawney as she enters into this scary realm of becoming a woman. Give her the confidence to thrive and demand from people what she deserves. Let these years be happy years (but with plenty more to come). Hold onto her and guide her.
Thanks, Sincerely:
Brittney Hougaard

And while I'm asking for protective energies towards my little sister why not ask my 4 brothers that "Eat, Pray, Love" says we all are born with, to keep her safe as well. You heard me boys, help her out. :)

Bye Bye

So mom is officially off to Vegas. Have fun mumzies!

Blues

Existentialism is all well and good, the ponderings of life and what not all great. However, the truth is sometimes things that bring us the most happiness in life are not discovering that you are this or that, or that the universe is a living breathing thing wanting its inhabitants to be happy. No, sometimes the things that bring us the most happiness (albeit fleeting) are the little things: like blue nails.
A couple months back I decided that I was going to be one of those girls who painted her nails on a regular basis, making sure that they always look presentable. For the most part I have achieved that goal. The problem is that although I absolutely love my flamingo pink nail polish I felt that the pink and I had grown apart,we were in a rut so to speak. So in order to perk myself up I went out and did something I would normally frown upon. I bought Brisk Blue nail polish. I have no idea why is pleases me so much to look down at these happy blue nails but it does.
My eternal search is for happiness, long lasting, deep and true happiness. Now blue nails might not bring long lasting happiness but i think it is noteworthy the fact that something so small has the ability to make me so happy. Sometimes that's what we need to do for ourselves, pick ourselves out of any rut we may be in and just do something small. What that thing is, is entirely up to you. As for me, right now that something is blue nails.

Burning Pile

All my troubles on a burning pile, all lit up and I start to smile....

For some reason or another Burning Pile by Mother Mother has been in my head all day long. As I lay her in bed I think to myself: what would I put on my burning pile?
1. My hurt feelings from the break up with rob. If I could just let go of the remembrance of that pain it would be a lot easier to move forward with the relationship. I would love to be able to throw my whole self into it but unfortunately I can feel something -or myself rather- holding me back.
2. Pet Peeves. why do I need them, why do I hold onto them? I would throw away all the things that bother me so that I could just let it go.
3. Uncertainty. that voice in my head that always has to feel unsure of every situation. Yes it is true that Uncertainty has gotten a lot quieter in recent months but I would love it gone for good.

So I guess my burning pile wouldn't exactly be a raging bonfire but perhaps a substantial campfire. The kind the cook up the best hot dogs and roast the best s'mores. I think that may be a good thing though, bonfires have a tendency to rage out of control and consume more than you wanted them to. Campfires on the other hand burn up what you want (wood, paper, the cereal box you tossed in there after breakfast) and leave you feeling warm and satiated, versus way too hot and kind of nervous.
I think when we have too many combustables in our life, things we want to set on fire, well then it starts looking like we want to just burn up life. Sure you could write a list as long as Andre the giant's arm of things you would like to burn but after the list is written the problems won't be gone and you're not going to feel any better. Those angers and frustrations will only breed new ones and those will breed even more. The cycle will continue until you are a sore and bitter person weighed down by a list of things you wish you could burn but can't.
Granted "Burning Pile" is an excellent song, filled with catchy phrases accented by an upbeat catchy beat but I think the idea of throwing your troubles onto a burning pile may be overrated. To throw our troubles on a burning pile would not help us deal with them, and after those had turned to ash new troubles would arise. In the end I think life is too short to dwell on the things we wish we could burn instead maybe we should be making list of things we burn for.

1. My family: Brody, Tawney, Mom and Dad
2. My friends: Alison, Jimmy, Katherine, Tara, and Erica
3. My wonderful boyfriend: Robert
4. Last but certainly not least I burn for me

Happy

Today I held an eyelash to my lips, waited for a wish to come. No wish came, I finally realized I have all I could ever want.

Inspiration

Inspiration is a funny thing. You can sit around forever and wait for it to come and smack you in the head, bite you in the ass but you never know if it will actually show up. Sometimes the best inspiration is just to do it. Just jump head first into writing, singing, or creating and inspiration may just begin to peak its head out from those dark caverns of your mind that have yet to be discovered.
Inspiration, it seems, is a lot like many other aspects of life. Love for example. You can wait around all day and night for it to sneak up and present prince charming to you or you can simply go out and say "hit me with your best shot." Look for love everywhere, with everyone you can. Perhaps this way love to will begin to reveal itself. Perhaps it won't be the way you always expected, perhaps it will take a different form. Maybe the form love will take is learning to love yourself.
Once one form of love has revealed itself to you, others will follow. Self love will turn to loving family and that to friends and those to lovers. It's like the lily flower i planted a couple years back. It started out small, one way a couple buds and one stalk. Now every year a new stalk or branch seems to grow and with that comes more flowers. Love will form different branches and those branches will each hold their own specific beauties and strengths. the trick is just letting go and diving into that world of love. Open up to love and find your inspiration

Pet Peeve

One of my personal pet peeves is putting oneself down. I won't lie I find myself doing this at times as well and it can get to the point where I really start believing these things i say to myself. heres the thing ladies, the world is going to put you down enough as it so there is no need to join in. My new philosophy shall be that everytime I look in the mirror I will say something positive about myself. Say it enough and you will truly believe it and it'll show. Confidence is huge in this world and i think little self ego boosters can make a huge difference.

Thinking Out Loud

Awesome, amazing circle of friends sans drama: check
Wicked family who love and support you: check
New relationship with myself and realizing how awesome I am: check
Boyfriend currently in the process of re-sweeping you off your feet: check
Pooped my pants this year: Not so much
Usually I find myself identifying with Carrie Bradshaw of "Sex and the City" but in the past few days I feel myself feeling very Charlotte in one particulat regard. In the first movie Charlotte says that she has gotten everything she has ever wanted and now she's waiting for it all to fall apart. Luckily for her however Carrie reasures her that shitting in your pants is enough. Unfortunatly for me I haven't pooped my pants recently not since an unfortunate event when I was about 11 but that's another story.
When I was with Rob before I didn't have this same feeling because I always thought I didn't have friends, or a solid friend base I should say. Now I feel like I have more friends than i could have ever wished for. I have the three best friends a girl could ask for, I have Jimmy mac and Eric, roosters buddies as well as an assortment of equally amazing friends that I cannot live without.
Drama between me and my family is currently non existent. I love them dearly and have found myself feeling a lot closer to them than I ever have before.
Thirdly, I built a stronger relationship with myself that I didn't have before. I have gotten through one of the hardest things I've dealt with in my life and have come out a stronger person. I have also gotten to know that person a lot better. This is a person who loves deeply, (friends, family and other) likes trying new things and meeting new people, a person who just loves living life. I didn't know this girl before.
Last but not least I know have what I wanted so badly for the last 4 months. I have my smoochie back. Not only are we back together but he seems better and hopefully that means we can be better as a couple.
So what's the problem right? The problem, my friends is this: how does one person deserve all this happiness? .....
What am I doing? I have gone on and on in past diary entries and blog posting about my desire to be happy and here it is and I'm saying, I dont deserve this, why is this happening. What I should be realizing is that I wanted happiness so i seized it. I petitioned the Universe for it and it was granted. I prayed to God and he answered. What I should be saying is thank you self, thank you Universe and thank you God for this wonderful gift of happiness and please help me hold onto it. I will not sit here and eclipse my happiness with doubt. Let me sing from the rooftops: I AM HAPPY.

Helpless

World just stops, everything seems so stupid. I just found out that one of the nicest ladies I have ever met is... dying. Ellen from IGA recently went to the hospital only to find out she has some sort of brain cancer as well as lung cancer. This woman is the sweetest thing ever. Ever time I would come onto shift she would be eager to hear about my life and everything that I was doing: Grad, friends, boys you name it she wanted to hear about it. She was so kind and just an amazing person. I haven't seen her since i left, regardless I have often thought on her and smiled. I only wish there were something I could do to make her last few days or months happier, or even just let her know that she made an impact in my life. I plan on trying to find out what hospital she's at and if possible go see her or send her flowers. I don't even know if she'd remember me but I want her to know I remember her.

Hypocrisy

So here it, I wrote recently that I had developed a love for a certain song by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros by the name of 'Home.' The lyrics go something like this. "Home, let me go home, home is wherever with you. Home, let me go home, home is when I'm alone with you." This is how i feel when I look at Rob, I can't help it despite my best efforts. He is home, my heart, maybe even my soul -if there is such a thing- recognizes him as the place where I can rest. It's not as dramatic as fireworks that fill the room with their blinding luminescence, it's much subtler than that. What I can compare it to is cookie dough. I am dough, a ball of unshaped, delicious dough. I start out relatively solid but put me in the oven and i just melt. Like those Pillsbury commercials, when the cookie dough laying so innocently on the pan just magically melts into ooey gooey goodness. That's what "Home" feels like. cookie dough melting into ooey gooey goodness.
So what's the problem right? I've spent so much time, and effort building this new life for myself. I made new cookie dough. I got myself some new friends whom I love more than anything, I've connected with my family on a deeper level and I've gotten to know myself so much better. My only worry is that if I let myself melt, then I will lose all resemblence to the cookie dough I have become. What if my future cookie self doesn't turn out quite right, what if I let myself melt and end up getting burnt again?
I trust in God and his plan for "cookie me," I just can't help but have questions. After all I am only human. What I'm going to try to focus on is the fact that whatever is supposed to happen, will happen, and in the end everything will be okay. In the mean time (while I'm very morbidly waiting for the end :P) I intend to focus on myself still, continue on my journey to discovering my true self and also discovering what makes me happy and who makes me happy. That means keeping my friends close. I think Katherine and Katlin may have something right there. They very much have their own lives apart from each other, even though they live together. That is what I want. I want my own life, my own friends, and my own experiences.
Thank you god for answering my petition, and thank you to all who signed it dead and alive .<3

Cosmo's?

So tonight's is Miss Katherine Keiner's birthday dinner. The plan is to start at the WAG and then move on somewhere, yet to be determined. I personally am hoping for clubbing to end off our evening. Sometimes the mood just strikes (actually the mood seems to strike me a lot these days.) Anyway whatever we do I know we will have a gay ol' time after all you put a bunch of good female friends together, in hott outfits, drinks, food... come on good times are sure to follow. I feel myself feelin very cosmopolitan today. That is to say I feel like i need on in my hand :)

My Petition

I am currently reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. In the book the author states that during a time of great uncertainty, anxiety and turmoil in her life she wrote a petition. A petition to God asking him to bring some certainty into her life and let the war between her (soon-to be ex) husband and herself end. This passage got me thinking about the uncertainty and anxiety i feel in my life. I would love for the games and confusion that have and do take place between Rob and myself to end - perhaps I should right a petition of my own. It goes something like this:

Dear God:
While I am aware that you are a busy individual, with far more important things to worry about than a 20 year old girl going through a break-up I believe it wold be in the best interest of universe to end the on going confusion of this situation.
If I am supposed to be with this man please send me some notification of this, preferably in the form of words coming out of his mouth. Mixed messages and vague questions are not cutting it anymore. I need solid evidence that I should either give it another try or move on with my life.
If I am not supposed to be with him please give me the clarity of self to realize this and the strength to stand alone. Which ever way my path leads please have it end in happiness.
This lack of clarity is impuning on my happiness and as a member of the Universe, i believe that my happiness is important to the stability and well being of the Universe as a whole. If you would be able to find the time to grant my request, there would be one less unhappy person in the Universe and therefore one less person for you to worry about.

Thank You for your consideration
Brittney Hougaard

Signature:
Alison Rust
My Parents
My aunts and uncles
my cousins
Grandpa
Mom's mom
James Dean
Audrey Hepburn
Katherine Keiner
Tara Keigher
Jenna Finlay
Jessika Curtis
Mrs. PAyton
Kermode
Mrs. Lazarowich
Josie Ohl
Josie's parents
all the Bytelaars
Chad Cornford
Adam Salter
Jodi Grant
Dahli Lama
Ghandi
Winston Churchill
Angie Chilcott
Tamara Heggs
Tanya Taylor-Best
Hugh Jackman
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Sarah Jessica Parker
Mathew Brodrick
The cast of True Blood
Lucy
etc....

If anyone actually reads this besides myself feel free please to sign my petition for happiness.
:)

Jar of Hearts

i know i can't take one more step towards you
cause all thats waiting is regret
don't you know i'm not your ghost anymore
you lost the love i loved the most

i learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time

who do you think you are?
runnin' 'round leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you're gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don't come back for me
who do you think you are?

i hear you're asking all around
if i am anywhere to be found
but i have grown too strong
to ever fall back in your arms

ive learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time

who do you think you are?
runnin' 'round leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you're gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don't come back for me
who do you think you are?

it took so long just to feel alright
remember how to put back the light in my eyes
i wish i had missed the first time that we kissed
cause you broke all your promises
and now you're back
you don't get to get me back

who do you think you are?
running around leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you're gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
so don't come back for me
dont come back at all

x2

who do you think you are?
who do you think you are?
who do you think you are?

written by christina perri, barrett yeretsian, drew lawrence

Sometimes a song will come along just when you need it, just when you are going through the exact same thing. The subject matter shakes you to your very soul.

Rob's been texting me he wants to hang out, go to the beach or something. Just when i think I'm in the clear, have learned to "put the light back in my eyes" he comes back into my life. I refuse to become a ghost of myself again. I just want happiness. But I dont know if I've become strong enough to say no.

Uncertainty

After 4 months of feeling rejected and hurt, after finding myself again and learning what happiness really feels like; i find myself wondering is 4 months really enough time? The fear-the question really- stems from an uncertainty of myself. What if after these incredible months of self realization, i enter into a relationship with someone new? Granted he's fun and new and exciting but I have a history of losing myself in another person. I put them ahead of myself, put their happiness above my own and never realize till its over how unhappy i am.
With Rob I told myself I was happy, I said it was worth it. But was it? I was always frustrated, wanting to go out and see people, do things. Meanwhile he wanted to stay in. I recognize that I did a lot of bad in that relationship too but I wonder why I did them. I always felt like he didn't understand, he didn't know what went on beneath my chest, when i couldn't get a hold of him. He didn't understand that to make love keep you need to work on the "sparkle."
When put like that I know now that I wasn't happy, and I don't want to ever be unhappy like that again. That fear is what holds me back I think. That fear is what keeps me adamantly declaring my singledom. The reason: while single I am incharge of my happiness, no one else gets a say in it. If I'm unhappy I can remove myself, which in a relationship you can't really do that or I'm not supposed to. I feel like relationships put so much pressure on people to make the other person happy, and by doing so you become unhappy. Why can't it just be make yourself happy and then it'll just be a bonus that you have someone to share that happiness with.

Good Tunes

So right now i have found myself diving head first into a new and glorious love. It's a little strange and at times can be sort of awkward but at the same time i love it so much. What is this new love you ask? well its not exactly new just reborn really, right now i am totally in love with finding new musically gems to charm my ears with. right now, high on my play list is the musical styling of : The Unicorns, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, and She & Him. Omg they are the most glorious things ever. She & Him are perfect for mellowing out your brain while not bumming you out. Zoey Dechanel's voice is like butter. The sound is very old school in my opinion, reminds me of a much trendier 50's kind of sound, so excellent. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros are a little strange but also quite upbeat at times and The Unicorns well they're just weird. They're very much like MGMT meets well a lot of different bands that seem to be emerging these days. The funny thing is they are actually an older band, wise beyond their years. I guess when they originally hit the scene their sound wasn't very popular but had they come out now im sure they would've been a hit.

To Download:
Jellybones - The Unicorns
Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
Lingering Still - She & Him <3

Glorious

So, I had a glorious day hiking in Lynn Canyon Park with Tawney. It is the kind of experience that makes you go Wow we live in a beautiful province. I may travel away but this place will always be my home. The splendor of the greenery, the soothing salt air that licks at your skin while walking along crescent beach, or the cold that slaps your face while snowboarding down one of our many mountains in the winter. I want to enjoy as much of home as possible this summer. That means that i want to see it in new ways that i have never seen it before. Perhaps while dangling from a bungee cord. This summer I want to be completely about me. I want to do what I want to do and with whom i want to be with.
Also today I went to the mall to speak to a travel agent about the trip to Disneyland I am planning. Hopefully Alison and I will have an amazing time filled with all sorts of Disney fun, then it will be back to the salt mines, school that is.
All in all life is good, glorious in fact.

Bonding

The main reason men and women are drawn together, is to form a bond. Whether it be sexual, friendship or romantic; it is a bond. women are also drawn to each other to form bonds, usually of friendship although if you swing that way all the power to yea. In the past 3 months my life has ended, begun and unravelled itself in ways so marvelous that I would never have dreamed it possible. With the end of one bond, one romantic relationship came great pain. So much so that at one point I thought, maybe it would be easier if all this just ended. Then came the beginning of new friendships. For so long I thought myself, unfriendable. I didn't have a lot of girlfriends and guy friends, well forget about it. Now I find myself in the constant company of 3 particularly amazing ladies. Alison, my stead-fast, outgoing and slightly self conscious best friend. Tara; the ever busy new friend who is always good for a laugh. Last but not least Katherine, the slightly neurotic but exceptionally amazing newest friend. These are but a few of the new bonds I have formed since the severing of an old one but they are by far the best.